While students are making their lists of pros and cons of their top schools, parents across their country are anxious to help their children make the “right choice.” But how much influence should a parent have on this all-important decision? We asked parents and experts to weigh-in on the subject from their own experiences.
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“Ideally, parents should check their own fantasies at the door and provide a sounding board for kids to figure out what is the best for them,” says Carol Barash, Story to College. ”In reality parents’ own memories, hopes and dreams are often intertwined in their children’s college decisions. And if the parents are still supporting the child financially, they are almost like an early round investor who has a legitimate claim to be involved in deciding where the money goes.”
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Elizabeth Venturini, president of Scholasticus, concurs that how much influence a parent should have in his or her child’s decision depends on “who is paying for it.”
Venturini continues, “Since parents are the primary source for funding college costs, they have significant influence on the choice of college. I am seeing more and more in my college career practice that money is the primary determinant on where a student will go to college, regardless of the student’s grades, abilities or college admittance test scores.”
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“As with all things in parenting, this needs to be a conversation between parents and kids that takes into account their different needs, and gives each of those needs its due,” explains licensed psychologist and author Wes Crenshaw, who has a 15-year-old daughter at the start of her college-search process.
“For teens, the need here is autonomy – the desire to establish a unique identity as a young adult and to author their own story, in this case where they want to go to college. For parents, there are several needs: To manage the budget, to help teens thing through life decisions that they are not fully prepared to make yet and to assure that the investment they make in college is a smart one.
“Where parents go wrong is trying to dictate choices rather than participate in the conversation. … On the other hand, teens need to be willing to at least look at ideas their parents have for college. More than one high school student has come back from a tour they expected to hate, with glowing things to say about the campus, the admissions department or the coursework.”
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“I’m in the process right now with my last/second child,” says Maryland parent Ann Mowrey. ”It has not been an easy process, I’ll tell you that much! Between the moodiness of adolscent teenage girls, the stress she’s feeling about finding the right school and the belief that her parents don’t know anything despite having college degrees ourselves, I can’t wait for a decision to be made!”
That being said, Mowrey continues, “I think parents can only guide a child and try to point out legitimate issues for their consideration. The child is the one who has to live with the decision for the next four years and needs to feel comfortable in the environment. They should not choose the school because Mom and Dad can see them there – they have to see themselves there and happy.”
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Michael Saltzman’s daughter took charge of her college search. She decided what she was looking for in a school, then gathered information from her guidance counselor, as well as the colleges that visited her high school. After narrowing down her choices, Salzman, his wife and daughter traveled from Los Angeles to Chicago and Boston to look at the schools together.
“She took notes about each school and kept track of things she liked or didn’t like about the school. She took pictures of things that made an impact on her visit so she could remember. … When she walked on to the Northeastern campus, she looked at me and said, ”This is the school!”
Fortunately, according to Saltzman, the school that she “fell in love with” also chose her.
“My wife and I have given her guidance most of her life, however, the ultimate decision is hers,” Saltzman continues. “As I keep reminding her, she is going to college the next four years … not prison. So, if she finds she’s made a mistake, she can transfer. At 18 we respect her decision. But if she wants to make a change, we would support that also.”
Parents, what advice do you have for other parents in this situation? Share your experience in the comments.
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We grew up(me and my siblings) chose our own school.of course we considered the tuition fees.We are not rich family but my parents sends us all to good school and even expensive course like mine(dentistry).I think it’s different in the Phils.Parents are only in charge of the college costs while the children are in charge of the choice of school.
When that time comes when my daughter will decide on what course to take in college, I will help her choose by providing her sound insights. I will walk her through it.
In the present family setup, especially for us Filipinos, most parents are really controlling their kids in terms of what course to take for college, which is quite disappointing. This is one of the reasons why most kids ends up as college drop-outs. Parents should only guide their kids and support their dreams.
On my point of view, the children should be the ones to decide about their future and their preferences. The parents will just intervene the moment the child can not decide.
As for me, My parents did not decide for me but I have choses my degree because of a scholarship grant for that course. There are just many factors to note, Anyway, I like your points here, very informative
On my point of view, the children should be the ones to decide about their future and their preferences. The parents will just intervene the moment the child can not decide…
As for me, My parents did not decide for me but I have choses my degree because of a scholarship grant for that course. There are just many factors to note, Anyway, I like your points here, very informative
i was the one who chose my degree and school though i was influenced by my cousins. we have to admit our choices are always influenced by family and friends, just let the final decision be that of the child. just give them guidance i guess.
I am also of the opinion that Children should be allowed to decide which college is best for them. Even though some people might disagree but the thing is that its their life and they should be given the freedom of choice
I chose my course myself and my parents agreed on it because they think they can survive me until I graduate. It was not hard at all convincing them because that was the only thing they could think of me too. The hard part was financing me all throughout college because they don’t have stable income as farmers. I had to stop for two years then continued after and I’m glad I persevered and my parents did a lot of sacrifices.
Great topic for conversation! I let my children choose but supported them and encouraged them to make the rights choice for them an not go with their friends choices. I will share on Twitter
i still can’t believe i have a child who is anxiously in the midst of waiting to hear back if he was accepted to his university program of choice! we let him choose based on his passion while reminding him of what was realistic when it came to finances…he still has some details that we’re on the fence about such as residence vs. staying home but soon that will all be decided. even though he has chosed to go to the same university i graduated from it was totally his decision.
We let our two choose the schools they applied to as well as the school they accepted and attended. They weren’t all that interested in our opinions. LOL Both of my sons made great choices, including my younger son who decided not to continue after his first year.
This is a great article and something that definitely needs discussing. I did not have options for college. Despite having full scholarships to two excellent schools, my parents decided I would attend the college in our town. Since I was still a minor when I started college, I did not have the option of choosing my own.
When my own daughter went to school, we looked carefully and considered budget. She did end up switching schools in her first year anyway, but went on to find the right school and graduate. Her brother decided he was not willing to have anyone incur college debt and so chose a community college first and sought a job with an employer that would pay for his bachelor’s degree.
It will be interesting to see how it goes with our next two.
As for me, it’s really important to have open communication between parents and children. My husband and I sometimes argue to where our kids should go to college especially now that our daughter is an incoming freshman. She was not able to pass UPCAT but she preferred PUP instead. I told her to make good in her first year and then she can transfer to UP if ever. She seems to be undecided yet. I gave her the pros and cons and we still have to sit down and talk.
There are a lot of things to consider when choosing the right college. Aside from the course you have to think about whether you want to spend your time in that town or city.
I really hope parents guide their children with this stuff it’s crucial and they should help them make the right decisions
Children should always be guided with their parents. When they’re old enough, they may be given some freedom. Yet they’re still under the guidance and control of their parents with due respect of course for their college education.